The Code of Conduct

Our Standard

Most community rules today are feelings codes: they forbid whatever might hurt, and uncharitable has become the muzzle for any statement someone didn't like. That is not what charity means. Our standard is the ninth commandment, as Scripture teaches it and our church fathers explained it.

What the Ninth Commandment Actually Requires

Ask most Christians what "You shall not bear false witness" forbids and they will say lying (Exodus 20:16). The Westminster divines said a great deal more. Among the duties required:

the preserving and promoting of truth between man and man… appearing and standing for the truth… a charitable esteem of our neighbours… sorrowing for, and covering of their infirmities… freely acknowledging of their gifts and graces, defending their innocency; a ready receiving of a good report, and unwillingness to admit of an evil report, concerning them; discouraging tale-bearers, flatterers, and slanderers.

And among the sins forbidden:

concealing the truth, undue silence in a just cause, and holding our peace when iniquity calleth for either a reproof from ourselves, or complaint to others.

Silence can be a sin. Here is where the divines got it:

You shall not hate your brother in your heart; you may surely reprove your neighbor, and so not bear sin because of him. (Leviticus 19:17)

God puts silence and hatred in one verse, and calls the failure to rebuke a sin you incur. The watchman who sees the sword and does not blow the trumpet answers for the blood (Ezekiel 33:6). The witness who could speak and does not bears his guilt (Leviticus 5:1). "To one who knows to do the right thing and does not do it, to him it is sin" (James 4:17). "If your brother sins, rebuke him" (Luke 17:3). "Do not participate in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead even expose them" (Ephesians 5:11).

Not every silence is this. But when sin is in front of you and you say nothing because speaking would be unpleasant, that is breaking the commandment.

We say this because it is true, not because we will enforce it. Nobody is removed for holding his peace. Speaking up when it costs something is a skill most of us were never taught; this is a place to learn it.

What Charity Actually Is

In Christian argument, uncharitable is the trump card. It usually means I did not like that.

Most of what the Apostle wrote about love is written to the one on the receiving end. Love is patient. It is not provoked. It bears all things, believes all things, endures all things. It does not take into account a wrong suffered (1 Corinthians 13:4–7). Those are instructions to the one who was hurt, not restrictions on the one who spoke.

So charity binds you when you are the offended party: assume the best, let a slight go, consider that you misread the tone of someone you have never met. Often what felt like a wrong was a misreading.

What You Owe When You Speak

The commandment also binds the speaker, and it binds hard. Also forbidden:

slandering, backbiting, detracting, talebearing, whispering, scoffing, reviling, rash, harsh, and partial censuring; misconstructing intentions, words, and actions… aggravating smaller faults.

That list is one thing: giving others a false picture of a person — what he did, what he meant, how serious his fault was, what he is worth. Read harsh the way the divines meant it: not a hard tone, but an exaggeration of the fault. Rash, harsh, and partial are about how you judged, not how you sounded. Tone is taken up below.

You may say the true thing to a man's face. You may not:

• Lie or slander. Say a false thing about a member.
• Misread intentions. Answer the worst possible reading of what someone said rather than what he plainly meant.
• Judge rashly. Form a judgment before you have the facts.
• Judge harshly. Exaggerate a fault.
• Judge with favoritism. One measure for a friend, another for a stranger.
• Flatter. It sits beside slander on the list; both trade the truth for something more comfortable (Proverbs 29:5).
• Scoff or revile. Contempt is not an argument, and a bearer of God's image is never too low to deserve an answer.
• Backbite. Say behind a member's back what you would not say to his face. It may be true; the sin is where it was said.
• Detract. Take something from a member's good name — the fault mentioned when nobody asked.
• Carry tales (gossip). Repeat something damaging about a member to other members, true or not. The listener is not innocent: "the hearer of scandal is a sharer in the guilt of it" (Spurgeon).

None of those is saying something true that upset someone.

We Answer, and We Ask

Speaking well also means answering. Silence leaves someone wondering. When the answer is no, say so kindly; No Thank You takes only a moment, and it is a kindness to the one who reached out. When the answer is yes, keep the conversation going by asking questions. A profile is where getting to know someone begins, not an interview already finished; don't leave it to do all the work. Ask about what you read, and ask what isn't there.

"…with humility of mind regarding one another as more important than yourselves…" Philippians 2:3

Hard truth, spoken as gently as it allows

You are among people who disagree with you about baptism, the covenants, church government, the Lord's Day, and the millennium. Take them up. Press hard. Bring the texts. Tell someone plainly that you think he is mistaken and why.

None of that is unkindness, and nobody will be disciplined for it. Better is reproof that is revealed than love that is hidden; faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy (Proverbs 27:5–6). Paul opposed Peter to his face, in front of everyone, because he stood condemned (Galatians 2:11). And when Paul told Titus how to handle the Cretans, notice the order:

One of themselves, a prophet of their own, said, "Cretans are always liars, evil beasts, lazy gluttons." This testimony is true. For this reason reprove them severely so that they may be sound in the faith. (Titus 1:12–13)

First he settles that the statement is true. Then he commands a severe reproof. Truth is the test. Once it is settled, severity is permitted — here, ordered — and aimed at making them sound, not small.

But the same Paul says to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), to correct opponents with gentleness (2 Timothy 2:24–25), to restore a brother in a spirit of gentleness (Galatians 6:1). Severe and loving are not opposites in his mouth. The truth does not get softened; the man does not get despised. So say the hard thing as gently as the case allows — and the case is not the same for every man:

Admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. (1 Thessalonians 5:14)

Look at who is in front of you. The unruly man needs admonishing. The fainthearted needs encouraging, and the words that wake the first will crush the second. The weak needs help, not a lecture. Weigh that before you type.

You will answer to God for your tone. But He appointed no member to enforce it on another.

When You Are the One Wronged

If a member wrongs you privately, go to him privately first (Matthew 18:15). Do not post about it. Do not tell three friends. Do not write to us before you have spoken to him. What was done publicly may be answered publicly.

Before either, ask honestly whether you have been wronged at all (Proverbs 18:13). Much of what wounds in writing is tone that was never there — a blunt sentence typed quickly, read in a voice the writer never used. "If you are naturally sensitive do not indulge the weakness, nor allow others to play upon it" (Spurgeon). A person who can be wounded at will can be steered at will.

Who Decides, and how reports are judged

Uncharitable has a twin: unseasonable. A member says a true thing, and someone answers not by disputing it but by ruling it out of season. So who decides?

God's Law is objective, and He defines it Himself — what lying is, what slander is, what gossip is. When a member breaks one, nobody here has to decide anything; God already did.

Scripture also commands wisdom and gentleness in speech — a time to be silent and a time to speak (Ecclesiastes 3:7), a word spoken in right circumstances (Proverbs 25:11), the gentleness Paul asks for above. But God never says which time is which, and never appoints anyone to decide it for another man. A wisdom passage is a mirror for your own speech, not a gavel for your brother's. A community where taking offense settles arguments will be steered by whoever takes offense loudest.

Two things bring us in. Any member can flag a room that has become a mess — people talking past each other, tempers up. That is a request for help, not an accusation; nobody is judged for being in the room. The other is a report: a member has gone privately to someone who wronged him, been refused, and now asks us to go. That is the next step Matthew 18 gives — take one or two more with you (Matthew 18:16) — and a moderator will go to that member personally.

Reports are judged by the commandment, not by the offense taken. Real people read every report against what was said, not how it landed. That someone was upset tells us he was upset, not that he was wronged. No report is judged on one side's telling (Proverbs 18:17).

Every report is settled by three questions. Was it false witness by any measure of the commandment? If it was a private wrong, was it handled in the order Matthew 18 gives? Did you keep what you signed at the door? On timing, tone, charity, and season there is no ruling.

What Actually Gets You Removed

Two things: unrepentant sin, and standing outside the doctrinal statement.

Unrepentant sin. Nobody is removed for a sin he repents of — only the member who is shown his sin and keeps at it:

• Slander, gossip, or talebearing about another member.
• Sustained contempt — reviling, mockery, treating others as not worth answering.
• Dishonesty about who you are — history, marital status, church standing, photographs.
• Pursuing a woman who has asked you to stop. Once is a misunderstanding. Twice is a decision.
• Divisiveness. Not disagreement, but faction: gathering a side rather than making a case. A factious man is warned once, warned twice, and then removed (Titus 3:10).

Standing outside the doctrinal statement. You affirmed it in writing at the door, and teaching against it is a plain breach of that agreement. A member who no longer believes what he signed no longer belongs to what he signed.

What You Affirm by Joining

• I will bear no false witness. I will be accurate about what a member did, what they meant, how serious their fault was, and what they are worth.
• I will not misrepresent myself. My photos are of me, and my profile is true.
• I will not gossip, and I will not listen to gossip.
• I will assume the best reading another member's words will bear.
• I will contend for doctrine as earnestly as I like, but never with contempt for a brother.
• When I am wronged privately, I will go to that member privately first.
• When I witness sin or error, I will learn to speak rather than sit silent.
• I will keep what I signed at the door.
• When a member asks me to stop contacting them, I will stop.
• I will answer everyone who writes to me, offers me a hand or is matched with me, even when my answer is No Thank You, and I will ask questions to get to know others.

We would rather be accused of harshness for saying a true thing than answer for holding our peace when iniquity called for a reproof (Leviticus 5:1).